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I have a confession to make, the reason i'm writing this post is because i'm trying to stop myself from going into one of my 'i'm pouring out my emotions' blog posts.

I've been going through one of the most painful emotional roller coasters ever and i don't know when it's gonna end. All have been using to block it out is work. But right now, i'm too less busy, and the thoughts are struggling to take up a front seat in my mind's theater....in fact they're gunning for the stage.

I'm helpless, wondering why I can't be cold and calculating, a mean lying philanderer... why!

Instead its me, emotionally vunerable dopey eyed mugun.... how could i have been so stupid?

There i go, i'm saying i don't want to write about something but i've used more than a paragraph already.... I pity myslef.

I have several items that have been in my possesion for quite sometime, these items have come to mean so much to me and despite the teling of time upon them i find it so hard to replace them. Just two items oh... not like they're plenty.

A wallet and a Bible.

THE BIBLE; It was my first visit to Abuja, Chairman was going on one of his usual long business trips and we kids were on our long break. It seemed as if he didn't want to leave us alone this time since it was becoming custom for us to only see him during his short trips to Lagos when he would spend a week or two. These periods would mainy comprise of house inspections and individual assesments by him.

We never really looked forward to these visits but there was nothing we could do.
Despite all this, he never failed to tell us a thing about Abuja, how impressive the town was and how frequently he met with a few highly placed government officials.

So even if it meant spending the entire long break with Chairman, we were presented with a golden oportunity, 'going to ABuja'. This was in the month of September 1997. I was still an impressionable teenager then. quiet and an introvert at most times.Any time i spoke to chairman it was in mumbling whispers..he barely heard what i said.

On the day of the trip we got to the airport with our luggage and checked in (i no go lie na the first time wey i enter plane be that). I was oozing with excitment and it even doubled when I found Chairman ushering us into the VIP departure lounge. He encouraged us to look around while he chatted to some guy who looked pretty important. I walked over to the book store and immediatley started searching for my favorite print; Comics. I was dissapointed to barely find one, soon enough while i kept on searching the shelves with my eyes, my siblings joined me then soon after, Chairman. He pulled out his wallet and entered the Book store pointing out two Bibles (NIV). I still can't remember what he bought for Lil mama.

He took us over to a long sofa in the same VIP lounge and sat us down.One by one he took each Bible and scribbled our names on the first pages, along with dates. I just sat there and stared at him.

That was 12 years ago, i still have that same Bible till this day. read it almost every morning and travel every where with it. Its one of the first things to go into my traveling bag anytime I leave town.

It has become worn out and developed dog ears but anytime i think of changing it i give it an extra look, then open the front page. Before I know it, all sentiment come flooding back in and I hae a new determination to hold on to it much longer.

I don't know, maybe i'll hold on to it and make it become a family heirloom, passed down from father to son....lol...


THE WALLET:

I had just finished secondary school and while we passed the time following Mum to her office on the island, we never really earned any money. All we looked forward to was lunch time; it was our wave of the moment delicacy at that time "Ewa Agoin"....
Myself and Mr. Capable had become so addicted to the delicacy that Mum had to have the lady she bought it from make a big bowl of the special stew, which she store in the deep freezer at home. When that happened, we had no reason to folow her to her office anymore.

But on one particular day she still hauled us off to work. I soon became bored so I began to develop a kneen curiosity towards buses and their routes. I knew Mum wouldn't allow me just run off on my own so i started grumbling just after lunch that i wanted to go home. within an hour , when she had had enough of my contorted and unevenly frowned face she finally gave in. Immediately i suggested to her that we took the bus. Mr. Capable gave me a terrified look (Buttie) but i ignored him. She looked at me with a little suspicion then took out some money from her hand bag. Immediatley Mr. Capable brought out his wallet, brandishing it for all to see that he had one. I Immediatley recognized it as one of the many wallets that Chairman had used for a short Period of time before discarding it for its inadequacy.

My excitment soon died and was replaced by a mixture of envy and sadness. Mum asked me why i looked soo down, i then went ahead to tell her that Unlike my brother, i had no wallet (no be se i get money that time oh). she then urged us to head home.

Later that evening, while we were all home, Mum called me to her room and reached into her bag. She brought out a leather black wallet,it was still in a nylon wrap. Immediatley i saw it, i had a big smile on my face. "hmmmmm....now we both have wallets"... i thought to myself.

She handed it to me 10 years ago and till this day i never leave the house with out it. Its become torn and battered but i find it hard to let go. The treads are hanging out but all I have to do is take a second look at it and i'm holding tighter to it.

will I ever let them go?
I no know oh... They've become a part of me, sorta....

FACEBOOK OR face value?

Just a while ago i went back to when all my online writing started; my facebook notes and i realized how out detached i had become from it, scrolling through my friend's notes all i could see was copy and paste pieces and articles, jokes and post cards. I felt a bit guilty, wondering and blaming myself in a way that it was all my fault; maybe if i hadn't found blogspot i would still be putting up notes that i had tagged my friends in or something.



Meanwhile i just feel facebook isn't just it anymore, first people stay on facebook for so long that you begin to wonder if they really do have real lives, or they're just actually fictional characters, but you remember that they've got probably like 400 friends or more.



I must confess i was two steps away from that point, when most of what i did was facebook, then more facebook.....and facebook.

If we all are too far hooked on facebook to make any sense of what I'm saying then t would most likely seem like I'm just ranting. Am I?

You decide, you make up your mind how far the down the rabbit hole we've all gone.

I talked about everything that happened to me on facebook, maybe it was to get attention or it was just plain expression i don't know right now. But i feel I'm past that now..... i think.



Is facebook bad or has it just become accepted, why do peeps find it skin crawling to add their parents on facebook; well the answer to that question is a no brainer but i wonder why it all of a sudden seems like we're either living double lives or we're trying to live our lives for facebook.



May be we all should agree to define what facebook is all about, cause i don't trust those Harvard peeps at all. they just might have other plans that we all aren't aware of.



Maybe its just me being paranoid or something but i really don't like facebook all that much anymore.



What do you guys think? Does the 'it helps in networking' still hold that much water?

Hhhhmmmm.....Growing up......

what exactly is growing up, obviously its not simply an age thing, neither can it be whittled down to knowledge acquisition.



"oohhh grow up" i often hear people say.... or "i think you really need to grow up"...... which one now??? na by force.... if you wanna grow up, grow up but i don't know about me. I'd rather just stay Peter Panish for as long as i ain't paying rent....



I have friends who seem to think they're all grown and i have friends who obviously don't wanna grow up at all.

Its a wonderful mixture to delve into but it sometimes comes at a price. Loyalties are sometimes questioned while principles could be thrown out the window.



I'm a young adult as society has come to describe me, but at the same time I'm not too far away from those years when i used to careless about tomorrow. Honestly, I'm not making any excuses, those years don't seem far away at all.



But to tell you the self assumed truth; i think I've don little growing up over the past couple of months. I don't think I'll be getting more than a hand full of supporters to this assumption but please indulge me.

....................................To be continued............................................

Purpose.....

There are times when i wonder what its all about and there times when i know what its all about.

I strive to define my purpose in life, whether it be in a relationship or at work, i know one paramount thing, i desire purpose. With out it, the red in my eyes turn blood crimson and i become that which i detest the most, a loosing monster.

But fate has played an important role in my purpose i must admit, lifting the mists of uncertainty and revealing to me an horizon filled with (yeah it sounds cliche); clear possibilities.

While trying to live, i have come across several possibilities of purpose, prying and probing, searching for the one which ultimately embodies my inner desires and drives me to succeed.

Have I found it? Honestly i can't exactly say i know, i just know that i have purpose where I am right now. Day to day i strive to put in my best to achieve my purpose.

Yet i have to ask myself what is my ultimate purpose, do i have to know that right now? must i have a clear picture of what i am to do before my life reaches its end?
If you will indulge me, can i ask you; what is your purpose?


And how have you defined it?


I just turned 25 a few weeks ago, a month after i got my first full time job, and truth is i had one hell of a time, even though it bore a hole in my pocket i have to admit that it was worth it.
In this quarter century of my life i say to my self that I'm just discovering what i really want in various aspects of my life; relationships, work, fun and family.

I do my best to take a few minutes of the day to reflect and be introspective of my actions, wondering if I still am on the right path.

"Where will i be 25 years from now?" i sometimes ask myself....

What is This Feeling???

"I'm angry and sad, blown away and lonely. i hate the fact that I feel this vulnerable and its becoming ever more clear that I'm standing in an open range. Some crazed sniper has me in her scope."

These were the words Possi spoke to me this night as he dragged hard on his B & H... looking dejected. There was that funny look in his eyes that had me wishing he didn't own a fire arm or have any thing that could cause harm. HE WAS ANGRY.

I don't know where his story started to unravel but i caught him in the middle of it when the sign were there for all those who knew that what he was getting into was a bad idea. it had me recalling those moments of denial with 'Tinkerbell', back in 2006. when i knew too well that we were from different worlds and i could do nothing to stop her from getting married. the relationship was never meant to see the light of day in the first place yet we groomed it in the shade, hoping childishly that it would grow without sunlight.

how wrong we were back then. Me a younglin from the South- west with varying religious beliefs to her North- eastern origins. She was soon uprooted from her intermediate place of comfort and married off. I never gave up for over 6 months, the possibility of seeing her again.

Now Possi's going through sorta like the same thing.... he's a broken man now, thinking the fates hate his guts for nothing.

even if she's older than he is who cares. or she's been in a relationship with another guy for the past 2 years, who cares. all he knows is that he found someone he thought he could call his, who took his breath away any time he saw her.

She felt the same way towards him, but they both knew it was not meant to be. Even if they both had people they held dear to them, being together felt so irresistible. He barely knew how to take his eyes off her and she could feel his presence from a mile away.

With all this the basics never agreed with their liaison. She was ready to settle but he obviously wasn't.

How could there be a remedy to this?

With him she felt like a free spirit, unhindered in expression. He gave her a new palette.
He saw too much of what he desired in a woman, a woman he wanted to learn from, grow with..... but his mind would not wander further than that (There were many possibilities but this one was beautiful).

Now the bitter realities came calling, and as he stands in this arena of pain, the spectators are bitterness and emptiness. They stand amongst the crowd laughing and jeering.....

I don't know if Possi will survive this, i just hope he does.

I sit across the table from him, looking at him with empathy...

I ask the question within me like i were in his shoes..."when I'm with her, i know its wrong, yet why does it feel so right?....."

What is this feeling???

The story I love...

She holds my head close to her chest and starts to tell me that story i love so much (then i guess i hadn't acquired that 6 feet height of mine)......



...... I left the house that morning, leaving your brother in the care of your aunt... i was sure my water had broken, i packed all the baby things i was going to need at the hospital. I don't know why i never said a word to your father or any one else. In fact i met my sister in law on my way to get a cab, she was taking the kids to school so she offered to give me a ride thinking i was going for my usual check up..... immediately i got to the hospital and the doctor took a look at me he had the nurses prep me up for delivery.





I had no idea if the child was going to be a boy or a girl, all i could read from the doctors gaze was that i really didn't have nothing to worry about. The time was about half past 10:00 in the morning....... i went into labour fully about 11:00 Am and it was not easy, i felt the pressure and pain, i willed the baby to come out but it seemed not ready, i was a bit worried....



Did it have to take so long?



At about a few minutes after 12:00 the baby finally came out... giving a healthy cry i waited for them to put him in my arms (I had another boy).



My baby, my son.... you've come into this world at the right time.... i looked at him and he was so lovely, a bit stubborn but so lively.

Sensitive???

These days i have the impression that I'm aloof. I refuse to publicly express myself with out an extremely good reason to. A smile here, a grin there, and a sneer for any one who thinks they can take advantage of my soft demeanour.

At times it can be a terrible place, this world.

I have a habit (don't know if its a bad one or a good one). I tend to reflect on past relationships and figure out what could possibly have gone wrong instead of leaving things as they were. One of the most consistent problems they always have with me is my "sensitivity".

At this point I've had it. I'm out of ideas and I'm not talking about how to move on to the next relationship, I'm talking about having to explain that the person you met is who you're gonna be stuck with for as long as the relationship lasts. I know women are sensitive and full of compassion, well as odd as it might sound i have my own measure of that and its what makes me "ME".

Believe it when i say this; I'm a full blooded straight guy with massive doses of testosterone, calculative and a lot of times obsessively objective. but I'm also honest, blunt with words and effectively emphatic.

These latter qualities make me no less a man, rather they make me a special kind of man. And that's the one I always want to exude.

So when I meet a lady who wants a typical guy (the stereotypical male) and she observes all these qualities, if she walks away thinking; the guy is so sensitive, i guess its more of her loss than mine.

With respect to the girls/ ladies; i just want to find the woman who's meant for me. I'm not about notching up numbers and bedding chicks.


I'm more of the guy who's desire is to find a soul mate.

I''m sure i sound like I'm flinging the "holier than Dow" phrases in a couple of faces but I'm also prone to moments of weakness. Its not something I proudly admit. I'm also a guy working towards becoming a better man to my woman.

I don't know if smiley thinks I'm sensitive, but that's for her to decide.

what do the rest of you think? Am I sensitive???