There are times when doubting myself really seems like my comfort zone. Days when the urge to do something is subdued by the creeping and then over whelming feeling of self doubt..."can i really do this?"
"Dubem still has
a story to tell"
I started a story over a month ago, interesting and filled with suspense. In rapid succession i had churned out about two parts of what was supposed to be a 8 part series. The feed back was positive and interesting. Then like i mentioned earlier, without no criticism or negative feed back i began to doubt this endeavor. I told myself i couldn't finish the story or make it as interesting as the first to parts i had put out.
This has always been a stumbling block for me; Myself. The constant compulsion to hold back when i know i can give more. It is something i am aware of but have never talked openly about, with family and friends.
Like i gladly embrace the mediocrity that comes with the desire not to push myself. The sad thing being that i have seen a glimpse of what my potentials can do, but also i have seen the things that my potentials can undo.
Confession is; i lose myself. I become someone i do not like and can never tolerate. The cockiness in me becomes dominant. Everything around me becomes beneath me. Yes, it happens to every one but I'd hate to see it become who i am.
Some might say it is human, some might say I'm just throwing up excuses because I'm avoiding taking that big step or embracing responsibility.
All i know is, I'm working my way through this.
Out of no where, a certain hunger has been gradually growing, a sort of hunger that i have tried to feed with my embraced mediocrity. The hunger still persists. Now i must choose to either starve it to death or feed it what it longs for, what i long for.
We want one and the same thing..
Taking the past couple of weeks to reflect and refocus has been rewarding is only understating the fact.
The story must be finished. I will complete even it even if the only reward i will get is pure satisfaction and a quenched immediate desire.
"One Night" will be completed i assure you.
Now I'm off to bed to imagine the whole story and its destined direction.
#Inothernews I'm done apologizing to this blog. Its mine damn it! I'll do with it as i please.