Smiley

These words are mine, they convey pain, joy, love, anger and regret.... these words are my realities, at a time when it seems like i have let one get away. 'The one'.....

Forgive me if this post does not take up any regular or coordinated pattern...

these are my words ,the words that come forth when i think of smiley.....

Meeting her for the first time;
.....wow, this one's got a smart mouth, but she can't try me when i've got my buzz,...... OK she's good.....
"what do you do?"
she tells me she's in Gwags studying law.... my family's bread that is....

First time i drive over to her place to pick her up for the first time, there she is walking elegantly out of her house...
she's wearing jeans but she's got shorts in her bag cause i told her to wear them...
she's in the back seat of the car changing... i don't steal a peak (i swear down)

later that evening we're having fun and all of a sudden she's dull, i wanna know what's up, she tells me not to worry. i can't help it, i just can't stand her looking like that. i lift her up in the air from her waste hold her there for a few seconds and say through my uneasy breathing; "i got you",

Oh my God!!! That smile... it tames me.... I try to kiss her in the car on our way back but she tells me no, I've been smoking....

She makes me wanna quit tobacco.... even if its to get a lip.

me and smiley can't stop texting... its all i ever do... she's always there... typing away... coming up with something witty.

and when we're together... i love it when she falls asleep in my arms....

on a friday Evening, she calls me that she's coming over, i'm already with the boys at the local.. having a beer. *shit!!! i hop into the car and drive like Roger Moore... Toothpaste and and a tooth brush can't do much harm???

By the time she gets to the house i look as guilty as sin.

On a odd day that i get off work early, i'm chilling with the boys,
she shows up and sits with me throughout... i go get something from the car and stand a few yards a way chatting with Mr. Capable... he's talking about something else completely but my mind isn't there... i'm staring at her, thinking to myself; "this is it, this is what i want"
I never realize i'm saying it out loud...
Mr. Capable looks at me and till this very day, he never lets me forget.

Now its almost a year on, Smiley has come smiley has gone... Smiley was almost set to return to me... our ups and downs have gone beyond the flat lines on a hospital life support monitor.

Most of the misdeeds are traceable to only me... I'm as guilty as sin (how ironic).

Today I said some of the most terrible things ever to come out of my mouth to her. I said them and its too late to take them back I guess, she'll probably hate me forever.

Smiley is special. Emotional and yet brutally honest.

I let her slip away and when she was about to reach back and hold my hand once again i lost it. I couldn't wait a bit much longer.

If i could do this now what would I have done if she came back to me.

I probably don't deserve her. She probably deserves someone better.

I'm alone now. All by myself.
"Maybe you'll forgive me ..." ... i think to myself

But if you do return. I don't want to ever lose you again.

Smiley i miss you.

Smiley