Saturday, December 18, 2010

*insert name*

Let's get much more fictional here, from what i've gathered some of you guys who read my previous post either don't take me seriously or have a serious problem with English interpretation. Why would you read the entire body of a post and ignore both the beginning and the end of the same post. ahn! ahn!

I said the post was pure fiction and some of you come up to me and still go..: "what you said is true.." i still haven't gotten around to owning a firearm yet. Anofia!

Now onto more fictional matters....
I'm sure some of you had house helps when we were young. Most of the time, pretty young girls who seemed busy almost all the time but would still find time to have a go at the gate-man or driver or you yourself. Yes i said it, you.. you looking at this page.
Guys! tell me some of you didn't lose your virginity to Peace or Ekaette???
Me i lost my own to Ife sha... and no she was not a house help *side eye* ...

I'm stressing it now, this is pure fiction so if you want to tell your brain that what you're reading is real then i pity the thoughts you'll have of writers like John Grisham and Sir Jeffrey Archer... imbecile like you.

For those of you who did lose your innocence to the female help, imagine running into her about 15 years after that confusing moment of yours (yes it was confusing back then cause a lot of you thought ejaculation was a near death experience and had to watch your first porn to know or realize its something closer to the first bite of a chocolate spread sandwich minus the facial contortion), let's say you're in a mall or a public place with your friends looking around at both displayed wares; those behind display glasses and the feminine ones walking by you. Then you notice a lady near by. she's unaccompanied,in fact she's the most appealing eye candy you've indulged in all day so you decide to try your luck on just this single one.
You muster all the courage Martin Lawrence and Jamie Foxx have impacted on you from watching their not so popular movies and walk over to where she's standing. As she turns around after noticing you approaching she gives you a confused look and for a split second you can almost swear you've seen her before, meanwhile she's looking at you while a mischievous smile slowly spreads across her face. Before you can mutter those words that could have most likely gotten you a talking down and a mean side eye, she calls you by that name no one outside your immediate family has ever heard (you made sure of that by strategically blackmailing them all). You're definitely caught off guard, you take a closer look but you still can put 2 & 2 together, how does this chick know one of the most guarded secrets in the developing world....

The first thing you think of is how you're so going to get back at your sister for giving out state secrets. but then again, you take a closer look at this stranger, she's the typical mall chic; Brazilian hair and things, light skinned with her 'bankers' salary' priced bag. She's looking at you mischievously and laughing hard.
Like that's not bad enough she calls you by your full name and asks about you entire family, if you weren't taking the entire thing seriously you definitely would right now, the other alternative would be to vamoose.

Second look brings a whiff of recognition, as you're taken back in time to your then assumed near death experience. How she tricked you with a bottle of malt and a promise that she'd let you have an extra piece of meat for dinner that night.

Your spectrum of reaction starts at surprise through to flushed embarrassment and finally ends at curiosity. how on earth did *insert name* get this hot???

You ask only one question; "where have you been all these years?"
She tells you a Zeb Ejiro like story that's supposed to touch your heart.
Then she says the words that you've been hoping to hear; "we should hook up on Friday". You exchange BB PINs and horny glances...
You give her a honest and delightful hug which for you means; Thank you for making my work easy.
Your friends can't wait to hear the story, you can't wait till Friday.

So guys, its pure fiction, marinate on that...


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